I’ve been somewhat obsessed with James Bay lately. His voice draws me in, gives me a place to escape for a few seconds. His album incidentally is called “Chaos and the Calm“. This is my life right now. I feel so much stress. My head hurts. My neck is in knots. I’m not sleeping well. Brooks has been acting out. Chris and I have barely had time to connect. I’ve gotten a lot done but there is still so much to do. Our house is starting to look different. I have spent hours sorting through closets, drawers, rooms. I have purged bags and bags of stuff. I got rid of all of our baby stuff, most of my clothes, and just about everything that we don’t use on a daily basis. It’s emotional and weird letting go of so many things and putting everything you have left into boxes. I find myself being too busy, too emotionally detached from my family and friends. My patience is low. I feel weighted, tired, and heavy.
There are, without a doubt, a ton of things to be excited and thankful about. This move is a choice. As a family, we are taking a giant leap to experience the unknown. This makes me feel alive. We are not just talking about something, we are doing it.
I am in an emotional dance each day. At times, I feel the weight of everything we are undertaking. Other times, like now- with my boys in bed, and a cup of tea in my hand, I am able to find peace. This past week has been a battle. I’m doing what I can to balance it all out. I’ve done yoga twice. I’ve meditated, and then meditated a few minutes more. I’ve taken baths, drank herbal teas. I’ve tried to carve out time to be present with Chris and my boys. I’ve found just enough time to write. All of this adds up to moments of calm- when time feels like it is standing still and I’m exactly where I should be at this very moment.
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