Unsettled

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I love this time of year. Something about Christmas music, decorations, and celebrations always pull me towards my family. I can remember multiple times over the last decade, after spending Christmas in Ohio, crying to Chris because I hate living so far from our families. I used to ask him to promise me that we would move back someday. He was always honest with me; explaining that family is important to him too but that he couldn’t make that promise. A year or two ago we went as far as driving around Ohio to see if we could see ourselves there. As much as I hated to say it out loud, it honestly didn’t feel right at the time. That helped me to become more content with where we are but I’ve always kept the hope alive that someday our kids would be closer to family.

This year was no different. As much as I was ready to come back home, I loved being with family over Christmas. I love watching my boys play with their cousins and see their love and excitement for their grandparents. It warms my heart. It makes me second guess our decisions.

I find myself as conflicted on this today as I have been for the past five years. We have a wonderful life in Chicago, yet none of us are getting any younger. Maybe we are losing precious time with the ones we love. Still, picking up and moving to the suburbs in Ohio is scary and unsettling. Surely being close to family in a new place will bring its own set of problems. Will there be enough opportunities and stimulation for Chris? Will our marriage grow stronger or suffer? Are the things we want for the boys reason enough to pick up and move?

I don’t know the answer to any of this. I know that we aren’t moving back to Ohio tomorrow or anytime this year for that matter. I also know that I still hold hope in my heart. More than anything I ask God to guide us. I ask Him to allow me to lift up my worries and help me to trust that this too is in His plan for us. Each day, I work to allow myself to let go of my own will and the illusion that my life is totally in my control. Deep down I believe that we are living out God’s plan for us and that plan is perfect. It is a daily struggle for me and a difficult practice of letting go.

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