Maddox is turning out to be quite a momma’s boy. Likely it’s a phase, but if I’m in the room he wants to be next to me. He will be perfectly content with Chris, my MIL, or our sitter but the moment I walk in the room he starts to cry or fuss until I go to him. Chris hung with the boys last Saturday most of the day while I went to a friend’s bridal shower. He reported to me later that Maddox literally didn’t cry all day. I can 100% say that I’ve never had a day with him that he didn’t cry once. On the flip side though, his first word this week was “Mama” and there is no one that gets more snuggles and cuddles. (I would say smiles or laughs but Brooks might have me on that one.) It’s pretty much the same with Brooks. He can be super sweet with both Chris and I but he can also be a terror. We absolutely get the best and the worst of our boys.
I started thinking about this the other night and realized that this is true of all the people we love the most. Rarely do we share our ugly moments with anyone that we are not super close with. Chris not only has to physically see me at my worst (I’m talking no makeup, baggy sweat pants, and a breast pump here) but he also sees all the sides of me that I’m not proud of. He’s usually who I turn to when I’m feeling needy, insecure, anxious, or judgy. Other times I shut him out perhaps because of something he did but also sometimes just because I’m tired, moody, or irrationally bitchy.
It’s an interesting thing to have someone to share your best and your worst with. Of course my parents and my brother have seen both sides of me too but it’s not as scary to reveal myself to them. Regardless of what they see, they are always my family. That seems to come with a guarentee of love. If I can think in this way then I should be happy to share my boys worsts with them. Giving them a safe place to feel whatever they feel is certainly a gift. When it comes to my marriage, I realize that I feel much more vulnerable sharing my ugliness. Deep down there is a tug that reminds me that Chris doesn’t have to always love me. People get divorced. In a way it makes me want to sweep all of my worst traits under the rug, but I have vowed not to live my life in fear. As scary it is to give myself completely, it is also the only way to have an intimate relationship. I’ll take all of Chris’s less than admirable moments to be able to share the best of him. To truly know someone is a gift in itself.
I know for certain that I will not always keep this mentality front of mind. When Chris is in a mood, or when my boys are being tired, clingy, or difficult it’s challenging to see these moments as anything but what is happening at that moment. Still, I am thankful to have people in my life to share the best and the worst parts of me and in return I hope to offer them an open heart and open arms for all of their “worsts” as well.