I just finished writing in Brooks’s journal. I have written to him and Maddox since they were both in my belly. I try to write to them once a month and for the most part I have been pretty consistent. Since my memory usually fails me, it’s a good way for us both to remember what they were doing. As I write though, I almost always find a loss for words. My heart is so full and it seems that there are no words in my vocabulary to express all that I feel. I don’t know if either of them will ever truly understand the impact they have on my life and who I am.
For the past month or so I’ve been reading a book called The Conscious Parent by Dr. Shefali Tsabary. A small part of her message is about how much our children have to teach us about ourselves. I recently had the conversation with Chris about how true this is.
Although Maddox is still pretty small, Brooks has taught me so much already. For starters, he lives in the moment every moment of everyday. Unlike myself, he’s not always thinking about what’s next or worrying about tomorrow. Instead, he’s living and enjoying life. When he does get mad, he does so with a gusto. He doesn’t hold back. He lets it all out. And then…it’s done. Just. Like. That. It’s over and he’s laughing or playing or on to the next thing. There are no hard feelings, no grudges. It’s like the whole thing never happened.
What a wonderful way to be. Although I realize that it’s unrealistic for me to behave like a toddler, I do think that he’s on to something. I’m working everyday on being more present in my everyday life. I know that this precious time with my boys is short lived and I want to soak it all up. When Brooks is misbehaving, I would often get myself in a tizzy too. I would take in his emotions but then after he moved on, I would still find myself holding onto these negative feelings. Obviously this did nothing for either of us. Like our relationship coach says, what a gift to give someone to allow them to feel all of their emotion without trying to interfere or manage it. Brooks is slowing teaching me to let myself or him feel whatever it is we need to feel and then just to let it go.
Isn’t it funny that what comes naturally to a two year old has to be relearned for this thirty-something (who’s counting?) mother. Everyday I’m working on being more aware. Slowly, I am able to be more present. I am able to laugh with my boys instead of always worrying about our schedule. I’m able to let go of the frustrations of negotiating with a two year old instead of letting these feelings fester. I am getting more connected to myself and therefore, to my boys.