Yesterday I had my 20 week ultrasound and OB appointment. Despite a normal ultrasound, afterward I sat (laid, really) in a room with Chris and my OB and cried. I cried after she told me that everything that I’m going through is “perfectly normal” and that my body is doing “exactly what it’s supposed to”. Sure, regarding the baby it is. The part that she’s been skipping over is the fact that I have an incisional hernia due to a botched surgery she did last May to remove my ovarian cyst. I cried because I have a large scar above and below my belly button. I cried because my hernia is awful looking. I cried because most likely I’ll have to have another surgery after the baby is born to repair it. I cried because she told me there is nothing I can do except for wait. I cried because none of this is “perfectly normal”. Since I was trying to hold back tears and eventually just bawling, Chris took over the conversation. Eventually she admitted that the hernia is due to my surgery and that the surgery didn’t go as expected. I was happy that she was finally addressing these facts instead of trying to dance around them. Still, she made it sound like my vanity is the only thing bothering me. Sure, partly it is me being vain. I’ve always had a nice stomach. I work out. I eat well. It’s difficult enough to give up control of your body when you are pregnant. This; however, is a whole other level. I wasn’t prepared for this. I have a hard time sitting around and waiting to see if I’ll have to have surgery again. At the end of our conversation, my Doctor told me that if we don’t trust her anymore then she’s happy to help me find another doctor. I don’t know how I feel about this but regardless, I know that it’s time to move on. I need to get over this.
Yesterday, Chris and I got to watch our tiny baby swim around my belly. He or she (no, we didn’t find out the sex) had his/her (sorry, so annoying) leg up in the air and was trying to grab his/her toes. It was so cute! Thankfully, the ultrasound tech said that everything looks “perfect”. It’s exactly what we had hoped and prayed for.
The fact that I’m letting my disappointment, frustration, and anger about the surgery over shadow the awe of the new life that we are creating is honestly embarrassing to me. Am I really that vain? Some people aren’t fortunate enough to ever have children. Here I am with an amazing, beautiful son and another baby on the way and I’m getting all distressed about my body being deformed.
As I write this I am in tears. Maybe it’s the hormones. I’ve cried over this so many times. I’m going to let myself cry as much as I need to but then I’m going to be done. It is what it is. I’m never going to be happy that my surgery went poorly. I’m never going to like the scar running down from my belly button. I really won’t be excited about having another surgery. Regardless, this is what happened and what may need to happen in the future. I can’t change that. What I can change is my perspective.
If someone told me six months ago that I could have another baby but I would have an incisional hernia, an unsitely stomach, and then later another surgery, I would have told them to sign me up. Creating life has been the most amazing thing in my life. I would give one of my limbs if it meant my kids were healthy. I am so blessed and I would do anything for my babies. Truly this is a small price to pay.
I’m sorry if you are reading this and you think that I’m superficial or vain. I actually wanted to write about something else but this has been consuming me. I needed to make my peace with this so that I can move on. I know that I’m not the only one struggling with something. Often it’s something that we can’t change. This can be especially difficult for all of you type A personalities like me. At the end of the day though, some things are what they are. We can’t change all the circumstances but we can change how we look at them.