To my husband,
If it seems like someone has temporarily taken over your wife, it’s because it’s true. While I may have been more energetic, eager to please, and generally more pleasant a few short months ago, please do not be alarmed. I promise that I will return to myself sometime in the not so distant future. I’m sorry that while we were trying to get pregnant I couldn’t get enough of you and suddenly my interest has tapered. While this is certainly unfair, it is not a reflection on you at all. My body is changing in all sorts of strange and mostly unpleasant ways. My flat stomach has been replaced with a slight buddha belly that unfortunately is slightly lumpy due to my ovarian surgery. I can barely find a visible ab muscle where there once were at least a few. This un-sitely stomach causes me further discomfort on a daily basis. While my doctor informed me that there is a medical reason for being more gassy during pregnancy, I do not wish to discuss the details of this dilemma. These changes are enough to upset my confidence, but add to that hormonal acne, sore nipples, and the over whelming feeling that I can not get enough sleep, and well, sexy is the last thing that I can muster.
To my friends,
Since this is my second baby, I no longer feel the need to tell you everything that is going on with my pregnancy but that doesn’t mean much because I still feel the need to discuss in detail the coming changes. You see, even though I’ve been through this all before, it is still new because I will have another person to juggle. This causes me anxiety because I worry that I do not have what it takes. I worry that somehow I will ruin one or both of my children. I worry that I will never sleep again and you will never again know your once fun friend. Speaking of that, I promise that I will be fun again someday. It’s challenging to be much fun when you are hormonal, tired, and can’t have a cocktail. Thank you for hanging in there with me during these times. Also, please do not be offended that you were not told about my pregnancy before the 12 week mark. Truly this has nothing to do with you. It has everything to do with me and my fears of losing this baby. We all deal with things differently and please respect our personal decisions. To my friends who I have asked if they were pregnant (before them telling me), please forgive me. This would have been sometime ago because I know after being pregnant with Brooks I did not make this mistake again. I just didn’t understand at the time.
To my family,
You already know that I’m weird but being a parent brings out a whole different side of weirdness. Thanks for loving me in spite of it. I may not be the parent that you think I should be, but thanks for letting me be the mom that I want to be.
To everyone else,
If you are reading this and wondering why I’m apologizing so much, it’s not because I’m fighting with my husband, friends, or family. It’s difficult to not feel like yourself. Often I feel like I am being pulled in multiple directions and often I fall short on many levels. As mothers, we often get consumed by our children and forget the rest of the world. I just want to recognize all of this. I’m not sure how much of this I can change, but I do want to address it.
If you know someone who is pregnant, please be kind to them. It’s an exciting and scary time. Our bodies are literally being taken over and allowing that to happen with grace is often difficult. Just hang in there. Luckily these little kiddos only take 9 months to bake. After that we’ll be bitchy for entirely new reasons.