This past weekend my husband and I went to a wedding down in Key West. We first flew to Ohio to drop Brooks off at my parents house. We had a really great time at the wedding and it was honestly nice to have some adult time. Still, I was really excited to get home to see Brooks. Three days was a good amount of time to be away from him. Tuesday was the first morning that we were home. Brooks woke up about 6:45 and I was excited to go and see him. I opened the door to his room and he looked at me and literally crawled the opposite direction in his crib. I went and picked him up and he was immediately irritated. I won’t go through all of the details but essentially what continued was the worst temper tandrum I have ever seen him throw for the next 5 minutes. He almost succeeded in throwing himself off of the diaper changing station and at the end of the melt down he purposely grabbed my face in an effort to tear it apart. It was at that moment that I cried. I cried not because he physically hurt me but because he emotionally did. He was mad at me for what I assume was for leaving him over the weekend and he was making me pay for it. I cried because I felt guilty for leaving him. I know in my mind that it’s fine that I did. He was in good hands and I’ve left him overnight only a few times in his life. I know he was fine, but still. He was obviously having a hard time adjusting and I felt bad for that.
Guilt seems to me to be one of the many things that all moms share. I’ve talked to other mothers who feel guilty for working, guilty for not nursing longer, guilty for feeling like bad mothers, guilty for not being able to give their kids more. For me, I feel guilty when I’m not there when Brooks wakes up from naps. I feel guilty for not having more stored breast milk when I can’t get him to drink anything else. I feel guilty for spending so much time working out. I’m a stay at home mom because that’s my choice and it’s what works best for our family. I spend a lot of time with Brooks but still…if I’m not with him every waking second there is a nagging thought in the back of my mind that feels like I should be with him.
I honestly have no idea of how to get over this guilt. My Mom says to just let it go. “Guilt never did anyone any good.” I believe this. I also believe that I’m a good mom. I believe we are all doing the best we can and there is no reason for us to feel guilty. Still, it is easier said than done.
This morning when I got Brooks up, he looked at me again and crawled the other way. He woke up in a fowl mood. Today, I accepted it as just that. I didn’t take his moodiness personally. For today at least, I didn’t feel guilty about it. As for tomorrow, well, we’ll see…